im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
