i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
