this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
