i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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