Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
