were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
