I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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