You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
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The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
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All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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