the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
