I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
