I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
