Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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