you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
