would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
