i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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