bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
