Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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