And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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