I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
