I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
