I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
