I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
