you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
