I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
