This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
