Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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