It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
