i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
