this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
