Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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