Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
