Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
