She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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