I wish my penis had an off switch
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
