You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
