he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
