WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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