I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
