I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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