dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
