Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
