When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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