Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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