I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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