I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
