Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
