Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize