wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
