I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
