I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
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he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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