sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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