we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
