Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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