My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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