i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
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I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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