It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
my liver is dry heaving
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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