Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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